Exit Strategies For Horrible Dates


The worst date I’ve ever been on did involve greens. The fellow wanted to surprise me with a restaurant he thought I would enjoy, because he  knew me well enough to discern what that would be, he tought. Apparently, I come off as a vegan, and should that have been accurate, this would have been an incredibly thoughtful gesture. However, a plant-based person I am not, as evidenced by the fact that I came in wearing head-to-toe leather.

1. Storm out as they say something that’s not in the least offensive.

If your date tells you they absolutely love spring, spin it. Be all, “spring is a really offensive season. You should really check your privilege.” Scoot back your chair -  with flair - walk with purpose, and slam the door. Brava, take a bow, deep.

2. Go down the TMI route.

I think poop is hilarious, but I get how feces may be off limits on the best first date fodder. Pluck out an eyelash, make a wish and tell your date that you’re crossing your fingers for a decent BM in the next moment. You’ve been really backed up, all week. You even tried going for pre-drinks, but it just wouldn’t budge, the little stinker. Now, you feel it coming! You’ve just got to go take care of business back home in private. Shit happens, am I right?

3. Do speak exclusively in songs.

Them: “Yeah, so I kill it at work, and I’m making almost $200K now.”

You (Shania Twain): “That don’t impress me much, oh-oo-oh.”

Them: “Want to order another round of drinks?”

You (in N’SYNC voice): “Bye Bye Bye *bye, bye*”

4. Pretend they’re someone else.

Start throwing out facts about someone else you’re seeing, or just a friend. It doesn’t matter who - the point is to make the date think that you think that they’re someone else. Mid-date, confirm with, “Wait, it’s Josh, right?” and when they say, “No, John?” sheepishly admit that you mistook them for another dude and you should go find Josh… or was it Jack?

5. Disagree with everything they say.

Combative people are the worst, indeed. End the date early by being one of them. If they say they love “Seinfeld”, protest that Larry David isn’t even funny. If they dislike brushing their teeth after their morning glass of OJ, say it’s your favorite taste in the world. Sprinkle a, “this isn’t working, is it?” on top for extra effect and for a swift farewell.

6. Pull a “White Chicks” moment

“Perhaps a salad for the lady?” “Perhaps not.” Order a feast, chew with your mouth wide open, and engage in truly horrible table etiquette. If you really want to commit, clipping your toenails with your teeth does the trick. Or popping a pimple over jalapeno poppers? The person across from you will be leaving immediately.

7. Enquire for the check as soon as you order.

“Hi, yes, may I please have the chicken to go and also the check when you get a chance, please?” Asking for the bill signifies that the meal is over before it even begun, without awkward conversation. It also makes sure you’ll have  dinner after you duck out. We've gotta focus on the important things in life.